Last night, I was sitting in my living room trying to relax and instead – I had an epiphany. I realized that in the last few months, I have not had my usual appetite, I have been spending most of my time at home rather than going out, I have not been tending to my house as much as I used to – and most importantly – I have not been writing columns as frequently as I did just a few months ago. But more important then the fact that I had a realization like this was what I discovered to be the reason that everything was starting to come undone – September 11, 2001.

There is not one person in this world that can tell me with a straight face that their life is exactly the same now as it was on September 10th – because I won’t believe them. Since that terrible day, all of us have been acting a little different, feeling a little different, and maybe living a little different.

When I finally made it home that day, I completely altered my lifestyle, which has not gone back to the way it was since that terrible Tuesday – and I finally realize that now after last night’s epiphany in the living room. I realized that after that day and for all the days following the 11th – I “subconsciously hid under a rug”. In other words, while I may have gone out to do my job and attend City functions – I never wanted to go out for anything else. I just wanted to stay in my house where I felt safe and spend time with a circle of friends that I shrunk from dozens to just a handful. And all I did was spend time with them as much and as often as I could.

While this is not a bad thing because I love my friends, it is bad in the sense that I was so wrapped up in trying to forget the events of the 11th – which I relived each and every day when I went to work – that I wound up partying constantly and neglecting the things that were both important and necessary to me – including writing this column.

What bothered me the most was that while I was going through this period, I knew that I should not be letting things go the way I did – but chose to ignore my own advice. So when my mind would remind me that I had things to do – I would acknowledge the thought – and go back to partying.

This behavior lasted from Mid-October to last night when I had my epiphany. There I was on a chair in the living room trying my best to relax – and not being able to do so. The chair wasn’t comfortable, the radio was too loud, and the room was too hot. So every few minutes, I would get up and fix whatever was uncomfortable to me and then go back and try to relax – only to get up to fix something else a few minutes later. This is where my fidgeting turned into an epiphany.

Each time I got up, I noticed a part of the house that was in desperate need of re-organization. In other words, when I went to lower the radio, I saw that the shelf above my stereo that contains miscellaneous electronics looked like a Borg ship because the wires were all tangled and messy. When I got up to get a drink, I grabbed something out of my kitchen cabinets and noticed that they were in horrible disarray. And when I went to lower the heat, I saw that my videotapes were completely disorganized.

After sensing a pattern, I went around the house room by room and noticed that I had practically let my entire house fall by the waste side. I also realized that I had let other things in my life besides my house fall by the waste side as well. Such as my paperwork, my book – and my writing. It was then that I heard a song called Which Way Are You Going? by Jim Croce that was so inspiring – that it made me realize that I better get back on track with my life – before I don’t know where I am going.

Fueled with an intensity that I have not felt in one hundred and fifty four days, I grabbed a pen and pad and proceeded to walk around my house and make a list of things that needed cleaning. I then straightened up a few places in the house to get started on the list – and then I made a promise to myself that I would get back to writing – even choosing the title for this column right at that moment I promised myself I would write again.

The funny thing was that after I cleaned up a little bit, made a list of things to do – and promised to write again – that was when I finally felt relaxed.

So while I may have disappeared from my normal life for a while – I am back and ready to begin the long trek down the road to normalcy.

Let’s roll.