On April 21, 1981, I was the average nine-year-old boy who just returned home from lunch at McDonald's with my friends Jimmy and Danielle Maher. When I opened the door to my house - every member of my family was sitting in the living room. Instantly - I knew something was wrong. When I asked my mother why the whole family was here, she looked at me and said, "Paul, daddy's gone - he passed away." From that very moment - I was no longer the average nine-year-old boy.

I was now a child that had lost the greatest man in his life. The man that was my hero, my teacher, my mentor - and my friend. The man who spent the nine years that he was a part of my life treating me with nothing but the utmost respect, the most sincere appreciation - and the truest form of unconditional love. The man who never once raised a hand to me or even yelled at me. And the man that I have missed from that life-altering moment to this day exactly twenty years later.

Losing my father twenty years ago today was the single most difficult thing I have ever lived through. The pain that I feel in my heart each and every day of my life because my father is not a part of my life is inexplicable to anyone who has not experienced losing their father. The anguish of not having my father with me today makes me enjoy every wonderful thing that happens to me just a little less, because I can not share the joy with my dad. The sorrow of hearing all of my friends talk about their fathers is sometimes very difficult to deal with because I wish I had mine. And most painful of all - three times each year a day comes that I can not deal with without feeling the loss I felt twenty years ago all over again - Father's Day, June 13th which is my father's birthday - and today.

Twenty years ago today I was crying just like I am now because my daddy was gone. As I walked down the street with my friends who were doing all they could to comfort me, I was trying to come to grips with the fact that my father was gone. I was trying to realize that from this moment forward, my father would never hug me, talk to me, spend the day with me - or tell me he loves me ever again. I had no choice but to accept the fact that my father was gone and that I was unable to bring him back no matter what I did. So now, the sadness I felt slowly started turning into anger - and that's when it happened.

The "bully from the end of the block" approached my friends and I and asked why I was crying. My friends told him that my father died and the kid's response was, "So what?". That statement prompted me to take all of the sadness and anger I was feeling and get into the one and only fist fight I have ever gotten into in my life. I remember closing my eyes and leaping at the kid and just pounding on him as hard as I could. Truthfully, while I was very angry at him for what he said - the anger that was taken out on this kid was more because I just lost my father then what the kid said. He just picked a real bad time to try and be a bully - I knocked his two front teeth out.

While I am sure that in the twenty years that have passed since my one and only fistfight, the kid - who's name I don't even remember - has completely forgotten the events of twenty years ago. I have not - because the events of April 21, 1981 changed my life forever.

It changed my life forever because having lost my father twenty years ago today, I lost the ability to involve him in anything that has happened in my life since then. From girlfriends, to jobs, to ups and downs, my father could never be there to cheer me at my latest triumph - or comfort me in my latest defeat. And that is what hurts most of all - to know that for all that I have experienced - he can not be here to share it with me. No matter how successful my show is, I could never get a picture of my father in a Ring Fever T-shirt. No matter how much I enjoy working for South Park, I could never watch an episode with my dad. As much as I enjoy working for the Mayor, I could never introduce the Mayor to my father. And as much as I want to wrap my arms around him and give him a hug - I will never be able to do that for the rest of my life.

I will always cherish the memories that I have of my father and hold them as some of the most special memories of my life. They say "you don't know what you got 'till its gone" - but I know what I had from the day I learned to say "Da Da" - and that is why I miss him as much as I do.

So Dad, I know that you can hear me and I know that you always watch over me, but I want you to know that I love you so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about you and miss you so much that it hurts.

You gave me a lifetime's worth of love in the nine years that you were in my life, and through your spirit, I feel you watching me each and every day of my life. These last twenty years without you have been so difficult to deal with. No matter the success I have achieved, or the level of notoriety I have attained, not being able to share those accomplishments with you has left me with an empty space in my life - and an empty place in my heart.

Just knowing that I have to go another twenty years and then some without you in my life will be very hard to deal with - but the fact that I wear your thirteen around my neck and carry your love in my heart gives me the strength to go on without you here on Earth - because I know that you will always be in my heart.

I love you Daddy.

"So I sing my songs of life.
And I will hold you, inside forever,
And you will know me.
And I'll be yours.
And you'll be mine."
Neil Diamond - Songs Of Life