I was at home alone tonight because Sandy was babysitting her friend’s kids. So since I had some time on my hands, I decided to put together some Ring Fever press kits. I took all the stuff I needed and sprawled it across the living room floor, grabbed a cigar and an O’Doul’s and threw on a tape I had of old love songs I made a few years back to listen to while I made up the press kits. As soon as I hit play and listened to the music – I got the eeriest flashback of my life – and made a wonderful discovery at the same time.

Listening to that old tape took me back to the time I made it. It was the beginning of 1997 and I was suffering from a badly broken heart that hurt so bad, I found myself in the same place every night – sitting on my couch listening to a tape of love songs with all the lights off and only a candle, a cigar, a beer – and the pictures of the girl that broke my heart.

How I would cry as I heard the songs that made me wonder why she had hurt me as bad as she did. I wouldn’t call anyone, go anywhere or do anything – all I would do is sit there and cry as I listened to the songs that would speak what my heart was saying. Once in a while, I would glance at the phone in the hope that it would ring and she would be on the other end – but she never called. So I would sit there and drink, smoke – and cry the night away just to do the same thing the next day.

I can say with all honesty that no one has ever reached as far deep into my heart and made me feel so broken hearted in my life as she did. The funny thing is, we weren’t together for very long, only a few months. The problem was that to me, it wasn’t long enough and to her – it was too long – so she left.

I will probably never know why she left me, but whatever her reason was – it didn’t matter to me when she left – because I was devastated so badly that I spent the nights I wished I could spend with her alone with my broken heart listening to the songs that would help me cry myself to sleep.

It has been three years since then and I have been through so many changes and grown so much. In that time, I have never really thought about her – until I put that tape on tonight.

As I listened to the same songs that I used to listen to every night, I was immediately brought back to my old house three years ago. I had all the same components from those days around me. I was sitting on my couch listening to that same tape of love songs with all the lights off and only a candle, a cigar and an O’Doul’s – but this time, there was one thing missing – I didn’t have a broken heart anymore.

As I heard those same songs play in basically the same setting, there was no more emotion, no more sadness, no more tears. For the first time, I realized that those feelings were gone. In reality, they have been gone for a very long time – I just never stopped and reflected on them before. I haven’t thought about that period of my life for so long that it almost felt as if it never happened – but it did – and it was one of the most painful periods of my life.

Looking back, I can say that I don’t regret going through all of that pain and shedding all of those tears. I can also say that I can finally forgive her for leaving the way she did. We have all left people at one point in our lives and to us – we had a damn good reason to leave. So while I still don’t know why she wanted to leave – I know now that I don’t have to – because I now know why she had to leave.

Because my future belonged to Sandy.