Seeing as how my life consists of so many things – moderating South Park’s Booster Club, hosting a wrestling TV show, being Press Secretary for the Mayor of the City of New York, and just saving civilization as we know it – it is understandable if I am constantly consumed with anxiety. From the moment I open my eyes to the moment I finally close them – which is not often – my anxiety is as constant as a person tapping your shoulder over and over again for the entire time you are awake. Believe me when I tell you that I have tried everything – from relaxing music, to stress management to taking Tylenol PM just to get a few hours sleep, and nothing worked – until I finally found a remedy that makes my stress and anxiety dissolve like an Alka Seltzer tablet in a glass of water. A remedy that makes me do something that I could not do myself no matter how hard I tried – simply clear my mind. A remedy that makes me concentrate on only one thing and forget about all of the other things that I have going on, and actually enjoy the moment I am living. My cure-all is not a tablet, or a soothing song, or even a course in yoga, my cure all is a woman named Sandy.

Sandy is my girlfriend, and that is something I am very proud to say, although I swore I would never say that again. You see, my history of relationships has not been a good one. I am as successful in relationships as the Bad News Bears are at baseball. And since my last relationship, I swore that I would rather have eaten live roaches then be someone’s boyfriend again – and then I met Sandy – and all of that changed.

She is a complete deviation from any woman I have ever given my heart to in so many ways. In the few months I have known her, she has shown me more love than women I have dated for years – and the love is genuine. I know this because judging from what she has told me about her past, when it came to being in a relationship again, she would have rather joined me for a live roach dinner. So when she says she is happy that she is my girlfriend, I know she really means it.

The best part is that I mean it. I mean it because she has shown me that certain thoughts, feelings and emotions that we all feel and call “love” is actually possible without having to sacrifice things like your pride, self-esteem, friends and belongings. She takes interest what interests me – even though she would fail a South Park and wrestling quiz miserably – simply because I like them. She misses me when I am not able to see her rather than getting angry that I can’t see her – and most importantly, she has made me proud to say the words, “this is my girlfriend” again.

You know what they say, whenever you want to find something you have searched for your whole life – stop looking for it.