“Maybe I’m Scared I’ll Lose My Power To Amuse – And I’ll Wake Up Alone In A Bed Full Of Blues”
By Paul Wein
Now that mine and Julie’s wedding plans are official, I am actually starting to experience something I did not expect. Since my first wife Elisabeth in 1995, I have never actually gone ahead with marriage. Sure, I have been engaged a few times – but never before got to the point where Julie and I are – that she bought her wedding dress and that we are a few days away from putting a deposit down on a hall. So that said, I am actually getting something I did not think I would…
…“cold feet.”
Not “cold feet” in the sense that I do not think I want to marry her – because I have never been more sure of anything in my life – but “cold feet” in the sense that I might one day become boring, annoying – or even stale to my new blushing bride – and, quite frankly – outlast my usefulness.
If there is one thing I love doing to Julie – it is making her laugh. She has a fantastic smile and when she giggles at my jokes – it melts me. But people can only be so funny for so long – and that is my fear. That one day I simply won’t be funny anymore – and she will feel that this relationship has reached its expiration date.
My first marriage, which lasted from January 21, 1995 until October 20, 1996 – obviously ended in divorce, so you must understand that while I look at Julie as my life-long soul mate – I do not wish to marry a future “ex” Mrs. Paul Wein. I want us to last forever and Julie has given me absolutely not one shred of concern that she will not be with me forever – but past experience does creep into the back of my mind…
…and I wonder – am I good enough for her and will I be able to make her happy for the rest of her life?
As I told Julie from the first day she transformed from my friend to my lover to my girlfriend to my fiancée – and soon to my wife – my life is not normal. I travel a lot in this job (evidenced by the fact that I am traveling to Washington, D.C. in the morning and Virginia the very next day), I speak to close to a dozen of my ex-girlfriends (usually three each day) – and I subject her to weird music and movies from the likes of Stephen Lynch and Greg The Bunny. But through it all – she actually has grown to enjoy my insane lifestyle and even misses it when I am in another state.
I love Julie and can’t wait for the day when her last name is the same as mine – and truth be told – now that I wrote this column…
…I feel a whole lot better.