My late friend Bradd (may he rest in peace) used to have a favorite saying that I would like to borrow…

“Man I’m tired of being right!”

Like the guy in The Twilight Zone’s To Serve Man, I feel like I have been running around screaming, “It’s a cookbook!” – while, like the character in the famous episode – no one believed me. For close to a half a year, I told everyone I knew that this was happening, and was told I was wrong, paranoid – or just plain crazy…

…but, as the old saying goes – the truth shall set you free.

What I have been shouting to the rafters (and to deaf ears) for the last six months is the fact that Bank of America, the bank that boasts “higher standards” – has been ripping off their customers through unscrupulous practices, criminal actions – and outright lies. My fiancé Julie and I had several accounts at B.O.A. – which is referred to by many as “Be On [Fucking] Alert.” Despite the fact that we managed our accounts to the penny, and no matter that we were not frivolous with our money – our accounts constantly ended up with very high negative balances. I cannot tell you how many nights I spent on the phone with Bank of America representatives disputing fees I knew they unrightfully charged us – only to have them tell us that it was our fault – because, in their words, we did not know how to properly manage our checkbook. I can’t even calculate the stress level it caused me, am unable to total the hours of sleep I lost over it – and will absolutely not divulge the amount of money they stole from us – as that would be personal…and quite frankly – embarrassing.

What I can tell you is the level of “customer service” I received each and every time I called to dispute these mysterious fees that popped up in our accounts as often as a heroin addict appeared a methadone clinic. My personal favorite experience is when I spoke to Aiesha Nicole, a supervisor at Bank of America, who, when I explained what was happening – actually had the audacity to say to me, “In regards to your situation, what is there for me to care about?”

Even though everyone thought I was wrong, paranoid or crazy, the reason for my elation today is simple – because a Class Action Lawsuit – Superior Court of the State of California, County of San Francisco, Closson v. Bank of America, Case No. CGC 04436877 – was recently settled.

According to the settlement, posted on http://clossonsettlement.com/index.htm, “A settlement has been proposed in a class action lawsuit brought against Bank of America based on allegations of misconduct relating in part to its assessment of certain fees in relation to debit card transactions.”

Man I’m tired of being right.

According to the court documents:

“The lawsuit claims Bank of America made statements in its advertising, website, and customer agreements to encourage its customers to use Bank of America debit cards and increased the number of insufficient funds fees, overdraft fees, returned check fees, and similar fees charged to customers using Bank of America debit cards through the order in which such transactions were posted and the account balance information it provided.”

In English…
You have $33 in your checking account. You stop at a gas station on the way home and charge $30 (for gas)…
Balance: $33
Charge A to be withdrawn from your account: $30 (for gas)
Balance: $3
Charge B to be withdrawn from your account: $35 (Fee as described in the lawsuit)
Balance: $-32

What Bank of America was (and probably still is doing) – is shifting the order of charges to be posted to your account.

Let me demonstrate…

You have $33 in your checking account. You stop at a gas station on the way home and charge $30 (for gas)…
Balance: $33
Charge B of $35 (Fee as described in the lawsuit) is shifted to be withdrawn from your account as Charge A – instead of
Charge B – before the aforementioned $30 (for gas) is withdrawn
Balance: $-32 that you now owe Bank of America.
Charge C to be withdrawn from your account: $35 (for an over-the-limit fee)
Charge D to be withdrawn from your account: $35 (for an insufficient funds fee for the $30 (for gas))
New Balance: $-102 that you now owe Bank of America.

And there it is.

Continuing with the text from the court documents:

“The lawsuit also claims that Bank of America authorizes debit card transactions that will result in overdraft fees; fails to warn customers that specific debit card transactions may result in overdrawn accounts; posts debit card and other transactions in high-to-low order; and provides account balance information to customers that is not current, accurate or as advertised.”

In English…

You have $1,000 in your account, and your rent is $1,650, and you write a check for the latter amount to pay your rent – traditionally – that check would bounce. Bank of America, however, would “lend” you that extra $650 – only to charge you the aforementioned $35 over-the-limit fee and $35 insufficient funds fee. If that is not bad enough – they would purposely give you a balance that is days if not weeks old – “ensuring” you that you had the money available to pay your bills…

…when in reality – that money was already absorbed in the way of fees – fees that they, unbeknownst and criminally to you – assessed to your account.

Again – and there it is.

The court documents continue:

“In addition, the lawsuit claims that Bank of America’s customer agreements are unconscionable, and that Bank of America does not provide customers with copies of account agreements until after they open their accounts.”

In English…

When you go to a bank and open an account, you are – by Law – supposed to receive a package with documents that inform you of what both the bank’s and your legal obligations are concerning the account you just signed up for. Bank of America would claim that these documents, “were out of stock” – and that you would receive a copy in the mail in 14 business days – meaning that you just signed a legal document unbeknownst to the repercussions you just agreed to.

Yet again – and there it is.

I am so happy that this lawsuit was filed, because I am glad that I was proven right – Bank of America is nothing but a corporate giant who has finally been proven to be nothing but a corrupt organization who is blatantly stealing from the innocent and trustworthy American public to offset their losses from the current financial crisis. In fact, as a result of the current Class Action Lawsuit – anyone that has fallen victim to their now documented crimes can file a claim and join this lawsuit – only to get a whopping $78 – something that our great-grandchildren’s great-grandchildren will collect – thanks to the dozens of appeals our “just” court system allows. Julie and I are putting our names on that list, because even if we don’t get one red cent – I can at least take solace in the fact that our names will be attached to that lawsuit – and it will be documented that I sued a corporation that came very, very close to ruining our lives financially.

If you were “raped” by Bank of America as we were, I beg you to log onto http://clossonsettlement.com/index.htm and file a claim as we did. I also encourage you to tell anyone you know to, if they are still current customers of this, “financial institution” – to save themselves and pull out now. I also encourage anyone ever associated with them to join this Class Action Lawsuit by going to http://clossonsettlement.com/index.htm and getting what they deserve – which, according to the site, “no Settlement Class Member will receive more than $78.”

It’s not the money – it’s the principle.

And there it is Bank of America. I hope that if even one person reads this column and either pulls their money out of your bank, or decides to not bank with you anymore – then I have earned the $78 dollars I will never see from this Class Action Lawsuit – or every dollar you have stolen from me – a million times over.

Now that – is “higher standards.”