For a time, each time, it worked. There I was, thinking that this time, I finally got it right. That this girl was “the one” and the person I waited for my whole life. Feeling that way, I poured my heart into them and into “us” like one would pour cake batter into an awaiting pan. From writing columns about them, to telling everyone I knew about “us” – to sculpting in my head what my companion would look like when she grew old – I did all this and more. Countless times I did this – only to find myself single once again and having to go right back to the drawing board and start again – taking with me only my feeble hopes for true love – and yet another battle scar and even more fears and concerns that all I hoped for only existed in my head – and not on this mortal sphere.

After dozens of times and decades of trying to be the perfect boyfriend and give the lady I was with what I thought was everything she wanted, I realized, as the poet Isha McKenzie-Mavinga once wrote, “On reflection, one of the things I needed to learn was to allow myself to be loved.” Hearing that, I now understand that I never truly did that. I was so busy making sure that the woman I was with was treated as I thought she should be treated that I never even gave her a chance to love me – or, for that matter – tell me how she wanted to be loved. There is a song written by Jim Croce called King’s Song that says, “He struggled so hard to be king. He wanted everything. He built her a house by the sea. Just to keep her in. Somewhere along the way, he forgot that she needed a friend. Now his kingdom has fallen, and it’s really quite a tragic tale. ‘Cause he built a castle to harbor his queen, and the queen claimed he built her a jail.” That was my problem all along. I never gave a woman the opportunity to love me – but instead – concentrated solely on making sure the woman I loved was loved by me. So after a string of breakups and heartache – I gave up – vowing that no one would ever love me for the person that I am, regardless of my shortcomings, insecurities – or imperfections…

…but little did I know that there was someone who did for the last three years – and not only did I know her – but she was one of my dearest friends – and she was right in front of my face the entire time.

I met her in September of 2003 when she came to a South Park convention I attended in Chicago. At the time, she was just like everyone else – a member of the South Park Digest and someone who I had considered family, but nothing more. We hit it off instantly and we enjoyed each other’s company. We even became very close after that trip – seeing each other on many occasions and talking on the phone as often as we could. She even began to attend conventions at my own home and even became close enough to me that I invited her into my mother’s home for an Italian feast. But through all that time – nothing seemed outside the realm of friendship on either of our parts. We were simply family – and loved each other the way best friends should.

It was in 2005 that we lost contact, through no purposely mitigated circumstance, but simply because our lives and the South Park Digest itself began to go their separate ways. Sure, we thought about and missed each other from time to time – but neither of our phones rang. But earlier this year, we got back into contact and after catching up on our lives over the last two-and-a-half-years, realized that we both have endured an avalanche of heartache and were sick of it – and vowed that neither one of us would ever date again unless we each knew someone who was honest, genuine – and looking for true love…

…and then it hit us.

Here we were, friends for years, each with now admitted secret crushes on each other and completely unaware of the other’s feelings. Here we are handing our heart and souls to completely undeserving individuals on a silver platter who did nothing but take them for granted and send them back to us like one would hand an undercooked lobster back to a waiter at a seafood restaurant…

…and here we are, secretly in love with each other – and not having the courage to say it to one another.

She came to see me in July of this year for the first time in close to four years and instantly – we knew there was something special between us. We saw each other a few more times since then – most recently last weekend – and we both realized that this was meant to be. While I can’t speak for her – I can tell you that I feel our love is – for the first time at least for me – based on all of the parameters I hoped for in a woman. She is honest, faithful, loyal, trustworthy and safe. She would never e-mail me four days before moving in with me and tell me that she, “can’t do it.” She would never choose an eleven-year abusive boyfriend over me after giving me cards indicating we were in love. She would never tell me that she has, “$15,000 reasons why she wanted to move up here.” – And she would never punch me in the face after a night of hardcore drinking. Julie is honest, loyal, faithful, a great person – and most importantly – looking to form a team that would create an amazing future. Of course she is beautiful and sexy – but beyond that – she is a true lady inside. There is no doubt in my mind that she is everything she said she is from the get-go. And for the first time – I have no doubt that I will not have to write a column in the future reneging this one.

My New Year’s Resolution column this coming January 1st will be to “settle down.” That goes for my job, my home – and my love life. As I can see, three months before that column is to be written – that I am already one-third successful.

Here’s to a great ride Julie – a ride to the end. I love you.