According to a national study, there are over 250,000 “Deadbeat Dads” in the United States – and I am one of them.

Since March of last year, Beavis – my feline companion whom I have considered my son since the day I got him on November 17, 2001 – has been staying with my ex-girlfriend and his “mother” Christine due to my personal circumstance. As a result of this, he has been in good hands with Christine and has been well taken care of – but for the first time since the day I got him – he has been away from me…

…and – quite frankly – it’s killing me.

For example, I had to go to Christine’s house yesterday to pick something up. When I opened the door, Beavis’ face lit up and looked at me with such a glow in his eyes because he has not seen me in a few weeks. Unfortunately, I could only stay for a minute as I had a ride downstairs. Usually, Beavis takes a good ten minutes to finish his greeting ritual whenever he sees me as of late. But considering I only had a minute – I had to pull away from him and leave – while he looked at me through the closing door with a puzzled and sad look on his face. When I got home – I instantly began to cry.

As crazy as this may sound, I do not ever want children and therefore see Beavis as my son – while most see him as a cat. That said, I feel, as a father, that I abandoned him and because he is a cat – I cannot explain why. In other words, if I had a five-year-old human child, which is Beavis’ age – I could explain his situation to him and why he is no longer living with me. But because Beavis is a cat – all I can do is visit him on occasion and then disappear again until I am able to visit him again. And worse, all Beavis can do is get excited when I finally do show up – and then wonder why I am leaving again – or when, if ever – I am coming back.

One of the hardest parts of this is that Christine lives in an apartment building, and Beavis loves to run in the hallway. So whenever the front door is opened – Beavis makes a run for the door trying to enjoy a little time in the hallway. So when it comes time for me to leave – my goodbye to him is shoving him away from the front door and then slamming it in his face. All the words in the world could not explain how awful that makes me feel each and every time I have to do it.

If anyone reading this is either a parent or an animal lover, then hopefully you can understand how I feel. I love Beavis more than anyone I have ever loved in my entire life. Since the day I got him, he has shown me nothing but absolute unconditional love and affection. He has brought joy to myself and everyone I have ever introduced him to – and he has been by my side since the day he walked into my life. And now – he is living elsewhere and I see him maybe two or three times a month if I am lucky. The strain of this has literally destroyed me and made me feel like the worst father on the face of this Earth. I think of him every moment and wish to God that he was with me right now. Don’t get me wrong, I know Christine is taking good care of him – its just that I just wish I was.

Someday, this will all be remedied and Beavis and I will once again be together. But the longer that takes – the bigger the hole in my heart grows – and the more I feel like a “Deadbeat Dad.”