One day, I was watching an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit called “Slaves.” In the episode, each of the main SVU detectives had to see the department’s shrink. When it was time for Detective John Munch, played by Richard Belzer to see her, he wouldn’t stop making jokes. Finally, he asked her to describe him – and in doing so – she did so using the title of this column. Sadly, on this Valentine’s Day, 2006 – that is exactly how I feel about myself.

For the first time in my life, I have been single for an entire year. Sure, I have had my share of “flings” in 2005, one that lasted a few months – and two that lasted a few weeks – but none were what I would consider “relationships” – and I would not dare call any of those women my “girlfriend.” Yes, we were happy, romantic – and even sexual – but we were not “in love.” So for the first time in my life – I have been without love for the longest period of my adult existence. And while it has come with it’s share of bliss – it also comes with a tremendous burden of loneliness.

As I sit here typing this column in a dark and empty house, reminiscing about my past loves and contemplating my romantic future on the most loving day of the year – I wonder what has gone wrong in my life that has not only left me alone in the 34th year of my life – but has made me so afraid of relationships – that I have completely banned them from my existence – despite the fact that having a soul mate is something I want more than anything else in this world.

I realize now, after giving this subject much thought, that the fact that I feel this way is for two reasons. First is that I am, quite frankly – afraid to open my life, heart and soul to another woman and hope for the best – all the time knowing that if I get into another relationship – it too will eventually end. And second, and most painful – is that I know that I am still not “over” a love I once had – although she is clearly over me – and both sides of that equation hurt worse than the other.

Of all the emotions I have felt in the last 34 years of my life – none is worse than the pain of wanting to be alone – and not – at the very same time. I sit in front of my television and make fun of E-Harmony commercials – while at the same time – praying for the woman who will join me in my journey for the rest of my life. How sad my love life has become that I could want and not want the same thing at the same time. And no matter how much time passes – both sides equally grow stronger…

…imagine the conundrum.

I can’t tell you how many February 14ths I have spent filling this day with romance, and making sure that the woman I was with was shown my true intentions through very personal and loving gifts. Time and time again, I would pour my emotions, heart and soul into a card, bouquet of her favorite flowers – and personal gift that would shout my feelings for the woman I loved louder than the biggest speaker ever made. And, as of late – my Valentine’s Days have been one of loneliness, heartbreak – and melancholy…

…how sad.

Believe it or not, there are days when I flip from one side of the romantic wheel to the other. Some days, I curse the thought of relationships and thank my lucky stars that I have not been “suckered” into another amount of “wasted time.” But then – there are moments that I crave a woman’s romantic touch like a man trapped in the desert craves a bottle of water. Mostly, the latter happens when I sit at my computer in the middle of the night – in a house that is so quiet – that all I hear is my own broken heartbeat shouting back at me.

As millions of other people spend today buying that “perfect gift” for their “special someone” – I will endure this day with a feeling of defeat – as I remember the loves I had and lost – and contemplate my unknown romantic future. At this point in my journey down the road of life, I feel I am not ready for another shot at the unattainable – so I will remain single as I continue my trek through this life I lead…

…but what I would give to hold someone’s hand as I continue to move forward.