Three years ago tomorrow was a day that forever changed the history of mankind. A day that saw over three thousand innocent people die, made the world stop dead in its tracks – and revealed the true face of terrorism. On that day, I witnessed the 102-minute attack on the World Trade Center firsthand. From the first plane hitting Tower #1 at 8:46am to its collapse at 10:29am – I remember every single detail as clear as if it happened yesterday – and always will until the day I die.

Although I think about all that happened on September 11, 2001 each and every day, I always knew that as the “anniversary” of the attacks approached each year, I would be find some solace in the fact that I was able to assist my City and my Government by helping to coordinate, plan and execute the ceremony remembering all those we lost – including Douglas Farnum – my best friend.

Despite the fact that I left City service on April 23rd of this year, I still contacted my former colleagues at the Office of Emergency Management to offer my assistance at this year’s ceremony. Besides the fact that I still have the same desire to help regardless of the fact that I am no longer a City Official – I feel in my heart that I should not be anywhere else but where I have been for the last two memorials – and the day of the attack itself. When I heard back from OEM, I was told that while they appreciate my years of service and dedication – “liability issues” prevent them from allowing me to assist at this year’s service.

So now what am I supposed to do?

This is the first September 11th that I cannot do the one thing which I believe helped me deal with living through the attack – being able to participate in the Governmental effort of cleanup, recovery and relief. If I was an accountant, a butcher, or a salesman (with all due respect to anyone in those professions) instead of being a City Official during the crucial days following September 11th – I would not have been able to deal with it as well as I did. While I have very few fears, one of my biggest is being helpless during tragedy. While my job as Public Information Officer was not even close a fraction of the importance of those who dug through the rubble looking for survivors – I still, in a small way, did my part to help my Government get my City through the worst time in our City and our Nation’s history. Whether I helped citizens get information on their buildings’ structural stability, to corralling pools of press to a press conference – to escorting family members of lost loved ones to funerals and ceremonies – I performed my duties to the best of my ability – with pride, professionalism and patriotism...

…and now I can’t.

Regardless of the fact that my dedication and work ethic earned me enough trust to be in the party that escorted Mayor Giuliani to both Ground Zero and the OEM Command Center during the recovery effort; no matter the fact that for the last two ceremonies, I was stationed on the 10th floor Atrium of Two World Financial Center, which is where the networks headquarter their operations, with the responsibility of assisting press during the overnight shift – which was 10:00pm to 1:00pm the next day – and although I possess the exact same desire to help my Government in any way I can and patriotism in being an American – I made a conscious decision to return to the private sector and in doing so – no longer have the authority or access to carry out those duties. And while I do miss being the Executive Director of Public Affairs for the Taxi and Limousine Commission – I very deeply regret not being able to help in tomorrow’s ceremony – or any September 11th Ceremony after that.

My friend at OEM did invite me to the ceremony and even offered to let me watch it from the same 10th floor Atrium, which I thought was very nice. And while I politely thanked him for his offer – I immediately declined. The worst thing for me would be to stand in the exact same place I worked for the last two ceremonies – and not be able to do a thing. I could only imagine how bad I would feel if I started walking toward someone I know to say hello and be told that I was not permitted beyond a certain point – after having access to almost every corridor of the entire building. I know from personal experience that during “crunch time,” which is the from hour before to the hour after the ceremony – there has always been a need for more Public Information Officers to help arrange press conferences, escort the dignitaries to and from the Atrium – and clear members of the media for entrance into the building. But now, all I can do is watch the ceremony from the same place I worked for the last two years – and stay out of everyone’s way.

Imagine, if you will, leaving your job and then going back to the same office and not being able to move about with the same freedom and accessibility that you had before. Consider how you would feel if the same people that once worked with you and has the same authority as you now forbid you from accessing certain places you once were responsible for? And think about how it will make me feel to watch tomorrow morning’s ceremony without being able to do my part in making it possible.

While my heart does very much ache because I cannot, for the first time, participate in the September 11th ceremony, there is a silver lining to this very, very dark cloud. For the first time since September 11, 2001 – I get to remember Doug in the very place that he called home. I get to watch the ceremony and hear his name called in the same living room that he watched television in – and I get to cry and pray for him in the very same dwelling where he woke up that fateful morning to go to work – and in turn became an American Hero.

As I type this, I would have been on the way to Two World Financial Center to begin my tour of duty as a Public Information Officer for the Office of Emergency Management – but those days are over – and it is going to make tomorrow a hell of a lot harder to deal with.