Considering the fact that we live in a world where not having a cell phone is as blasphemous as not wearing clothes, I finally caved and decided to get a cell phone of my own – and somehow purchased the absolute worst cellular telephone ever invented.

I have not even owned it for one month yet, and already I want to give it back. Instead of being the helpful communicative tool that it should be, it has done nothing but drive me insane and make me want to break it into a grillion tiny little pieces. I purchased the phone because I wanted to be able to stay in touch with my friends and clients, be able to make phone calls without having to stop at a pay phone or borrow someone else’s cell phone – and join the rest of the world in the 21st Century. But it seems that no matter what I do or where I am – I would get better service from two cans and a string.

Let’s start with the fact that for every ten calls I make or receive – at least four die right in the middle of the conversation for absolutely no reason. I am talking to someone one minute and hear nothing the next minute only to look at my phone and see the words, “Call Ended.” I realize that every cell phone service provider has what has come to be known as “dead zones” – but since when is the entire City of New York a “dead zone?” There have been times where I have sat completely still and had a conversation, which starts with full antenna strength – only to have my antenna strength deteriorate to nothing and have the call dropped as if I just entered the Brooklyn Battery Tunnel.

Another thing about my new phone that makes me want to flush it down the toilet is the fact that the “convenient features” it offers are anything but convenient. The biggest example of this being the phone’s Voice Dial Memory – which dials not the name of the person I tell it to – but rather the voice entry of its choice. For example, a few days ago, I picked up the phone and said, “Lisa Home” – only to realize that the phone dialed, “Bon Appetit” instead when Guido picked up. And for some reason, I cannot have a conversation without hearing the first entry of my Voice Dial Memory, which is “Bon Appetit” magically spoken right in the middle of my call. And when I get another call and have to switch from one call to the other – both calls get hung up on each and every time.

I don’t know if it’s the phone itself, which is a Motorola, or the service provider I chose, which is T-Mobile. But whatever the reason may be for my “crystal clear service” or lack thereof is, I want it fixed fast – or else I’m going back to two cans and a string – which is much more reliable and a lot less expensive.