Thanks to our society’s constant battle for perfection, appearance is everything in today’s world. Basically, if you don’t “look the part” – you won’t make the cut. As for how we should look, that is not our choice either, as what we should wear and how we should wear it are dictated to us from fashion designers, magazines and television shows like What Not to Wear and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. And if you do not wear what is “expected” of you – beware. Even celebrities are not safe from this requirement, because newspapers and magazines always love to print pictures of our favorite celebrities when they do not “look their best.”

But while many people all over the world from many different walks of life have conformed to society’s demand that they stay in fashion – I have not – and I don’t think I ever will.

The reason for this is that fashionably, I make no sense. I have a small closet of clothes containing two pairs of jeans, two pairs of sweatpants, ten short-sleeve shirts, nine long-sleeve shirts, two sweaters, nine sweatshirts, six pairs of shorts, five long-sleeve T-shirts, 42 short-sleeve T-shirts – and four pairs of shoes – consisting of a pair of decks, two pairs of sneakers and a pair of work-boots. Besides the fact that my wardrobe is as small as it is – the scariest part is that I probably only wear twenty percent of the clothes I own…

…pretty pathetic huh?

And in addition to owning hardly any clothes, I do not really have the knack to match them or make sure that my pants “go” with my shirt. In other words, most mornings will find me simply grabbing the first top and bottom I see, and slipping on the first pair of shoes that catches my eye. In other words, matching my clothes or coordinating my outfits is something I just don’t do.

Even shopping for myself is impossible. You could send me into Macy’s with $25,000 cash and I will come out with a pair of socks and a shirt if I am lucky. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I shopped for clothes for myself. Believe it or not, some of the clothes I own date actually back to the early 1990s – and any new clothes I do own were purchased by women I was dating at the time in their desperate attempt to make me try and look “good.”

This recent realization that I have no fashion sense whatsoever began when I realized that now that I work for myself and no longer have to wear suits every day, I have very little clothes and no knowledge of what to do with them. I also noticed that every time I travel, I pack the same clothes with me on each vacation – which only fills a small carry-on bag. And the final nail in the coffin came when Summer, in a recent post to the South Park Digest, jokingly but correctly claimed that I have, “no fashion sense whatsoever.”

So with my new life taking shape, I guess another change I need to make is to inject some fashion sense into my existence. How I will do this is unknown to me at this point, but considering the fact that I am so fashion-senseless – anything will be an improvement…

…anything that is – but a visit from “The Fab Five.”