With everything that has happened to me this year, it is quite obvious that as the holidays steadily approach - I no doubt have less Christmas spirit than both the Grinch and Ebeneezer Scrooge combined. In fact, last night, I was invited to Gracie Mansion for a Christmas party with Mayor Bloomberg, and I was also invited to our office party here at the TLC today - and I blew both off. Bottom line is that if I had my way - I would spend both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day alone in my house - allowing the holidays to quietly pass me by like a ship in the night.

But this afternoon, I was visited by someone that I would consider a living angel. Someone that I feel a very serious spiritual connection to. Someone who has been such a ray of light to me since I met him - that it took seeing him at this year's September 11th memorial service to finally break down. And someone who may not have given me back my Christmas spirit - but instead gave me something much more important and much more valuable - spiritual guidance that will help me gain the vital closure I need for this year - and some much needed spiritual advice for the year ahead. The angel I speak of is Bishop David I. Hartman.

Bishop Hartman is one of the TLC's Chaplains, or spiritual advisors. His voluntary role is to make himself available to any TLC staff member should they ever need spiritual advice or guidance. I met Bishop Hartman last year at our dedication ceremony for the new TLC medallion on September 13, 2002. Just two days after the first anniversary of the terrorist attacks, we here at the TLC unveiled our new medallion - which I am proud to say I designed - and ceremoniously placed the first one on a taxicab at the event. The medallion is a simple white background with a red, white and blue ribbon in honor of those we lost on that awful day. At the ceremony, Bishop Hartman gave such an amazing sermon that I actually had to walk away to keep from crying during the ceremony. From that moment, I knew he was a true servant of the Lord just by the power of his words.

Since that ceremony, I have only seen him a few times, but it seems that each time I do see him - it is exactly when I need to see him - as if he knows just when to contact me. The last time I saw him was on the afternoon of this year's memorial service for September 11th. As soon as I saw him, the flood of emotion I was reluctantly carrying for two very long years finally poured out of my body. I truly feel that it was seeing him that finally allowed me to release it all - and I will forever be grateful to him for that.

And today, as I sat in my office with absolutely no Christmas spirit, but rather a feeling of anxious anticipation for the staff's holiday party and incessant Christmas caroling to come to a very quick end - there was Bishop Hartman. As soon as I saw him, I got up, hugged him, invited him into my office and shut my office door. And in the one hour that we spoke - I got more of a Christmas present than any "Secret Santa" at any holiday party could have possibly given me.

Through tears, I told Bishop Hartman all that I endured this year. From betrayal, to heartbreak, to financial stress - to finally dealing with losing Doug - I did not leave out a single detail. As he intently listened, I could tell he already had answers for me - answers that I needed very badly - and answers that I knew only he could give me.

Bishop Hartman has told me on many occasions that he feels that I am, in his own words, "a blessing to many." He has always told me that I should be proud of the fact that I try to help people to the best of my ability - sometimes putting their needs and concerns over my own. And that I am looked at by people as someone who can successfully solve their problems. I thanked him for what he said and told him that despite all the hurt and betrayal I have been through this year, I never lost my faith in God and will still continue to help those who ask it of me - and will still pray to God and ask Him to help those who come to me for assistance.

He then asked me a question that I did not expect - but really needed to hear - "When was the last time you prayed to God and asked Him for something for yourself?"

When he said that, a light bulb went off in my head. He was absolutely right. I never ask God for anything for myself, because for one thing, I always thought it selfish to ask God for things to benefit yourself, and second - because I am always too busy asking Him to help other people. Bishop Hartman told me that God knows I always help people and knows that I do it not for "brownie points" - but because it is in my nature that I truly want to help people and that is something I will never change. He also told me that he sees me as someone who is destined for great things - and the fact that I help people will continue to provide me with blessings and a successful life.

He then suggested that I make 2004 the year I help Paul Wein.

"Don't be afraid to ask God to help you help yourself," he said. "God knows what you do for others and how you always help other people - now you have to help yourself. Everything in our lives is supported by something else. You need support too in order to build a proper foundation for yourself." As I heard the words he said - I could not believe how right he was. For so long I have concentrated on everyone and everything else that I have allowed the wrong things - and the wrong people - into my inner circle. "Next year, you need to guard your heart and choose those you make close to you more carefully. Don't change who you are - because that is not in your nature - but let people prove that they respect you enough to be allowed into your inner circle before simply letting them in. Your home and your heart are your sanctuary - allow only those who earn your trust and respect into such a sacred place."

It was as if he had access to my mind and knew exactly what was bothering me. His advice and guidance could not have been more precise to what was on my mind - or more appropriate for a year ahead that I plan to make one of my best yet. By removing the negativity and drama from my life before entering 2004 - and also removing those who caused it - and by instead surrounding myself with only positive people that can help me as much as I help them - and most importantly - by asking the Lord for a few blessings of my own - it is quite possible that I may very well have a Happy New Year after all.

Thank you so much for the Christmas miracle Bishop Hartman... ...and God Bless You.