Besides the obvious emotions, memories and feelings that began to resurface as this terrible anniversary drew closer and closer, one thing has really been bothering me the last few days - the fact that I still have not experienced "the big cry."

I would give anything to cry my eyes out like I have seen hundreds of people do when they think about what happened here two years ago today. In fact, as I was downstairs only a few minutes ago making my rounds as part of my tour, I decided to drive past the police memorial, which was erected behind the World Financial Center. The memorial is a simple wall bearing the names of the fallen NYPD officers who selflessly gave their lives to save others, and a shallow reflecting pool. As I moved closer to the memorial, I noticed a sea of blue - police officers from the 61st Precinct - my precinct - who came there in the middle of the night to pay their respects to their fallen brothers and sisters. With a full color guard and wreaths made of flowers - they professionally and solemnly held a memorial service to honor those we lost. While these officers stood at attention and saluted their fallen comrades - I could see the tears in their eyes. I also saw a woman who must have stumbled onto the ceremony as I did. Like the officers - but unlike me - she was crying as if they were memorializing her own son. And when it was over, she wiped the flowing tears from her eyes and went off into the night after the brigade of officers who did the same.

As I stood there having witnessed that unexpected show of emotion - and as I sit here now staring at the site of unexpected tragedy - my tears are nowhere to be found.

Why?

What is wrong with me that I cannot shed the gallons upon gallons of tears that have been building up inside of me for the last two years? Of course I have emotions regarding the attack, the loss of life, the theft of America's immunity to terrorism - and the void of not having Doug here where he belongs. But for some reason - I can't shed a tear to save my life.

To be honest, I need to cry. I need so desperately to vent and release what I have been harboring all this time. I have seen things that would make anyone lose complete control of their emotions and not be able to regain control for quite some time. I have seen family members of victims walk the flight of stairs up to the family viewing stand that used to be across the street from the site - and collapse as soon as they saw the then still burning wreckage. I have witnessed complete strangers uncontrollably sob in each other's arms because they couldn't deal with the fact that the Twin Towers were gone. I stood in a room where over 600 people cried at the same time after the crash of American Airlines Flight 587 - and I saw things that were so horrible that I would not dare put them in print - and yet - my eyes remain dry.

As the hours pass and the time of the ceremony marking the tragic anniversary draws nearer, I pray that this will be the day that I break and finally expel the feelings I have inside...

...because I really, really need to.