The hardest thing anyone can do is walk away from something they love - especially when it is not by choice. And even worse then that is when they are ready to return to what they love - they are shunned away instead of being welcomed back. Recently, I had to walk away from almost everything in my life due to an intolerable year of Hell. And while all of the things I walked away from were very important to me - probably the most important was the South Park Digest.

Since September 1, 1999, the South Park Digest was a daily part of my life. Not a day would go by that I would not send out a Digest containing my comments and the comments of Booster Club members that at first were strictly South Park related - and then slowly began to turn more personal. And as time went on, we went from members of a Booster Club to a very close family. And in not less than two years since my tenure began in the Digest, we gathered in South Park itself to celebrate our friendships. And not a year after that - a child was born as a result of two members of our Digest - making us more of a family than ever before.

I fondly recall so many days where I would open my e-mail box and literally get hundreds of e-mail posts from members who wanted to be in the next day's Digest. I remember the friendships I made at both SPC1 and SPC2 - and I will never forget the first few Digests following the September 11^th atrocity. But despite those wonderful memories - what I do not want to remember is having to walk away from the Digest and everyone involved with it.

Even if this column was a million pages long, I could never convey, or make anyone understand or comprehend, how hard it was for me to simply and abruptly say goodbye to everyone who looked forward to the Digest I would send out each day - and to have to let so many people down. For close to three years straight, I put out a daily Digest without fail despite several failing computers, heart surgery that cost me two of my nine lives, vacations, family emergencies - and even Comedy Central blatantly and unexpectedly canceling the "official" Digest just one day after SPC2. And although I missed putting out the Digest on September 11^th - I did manage to get one out the next day and each day thereafter. So how bad must my life have been if I made sure the Digest was out everyday then - but had to walk away now?

Truth be told, life was so tough that I not only spent each day scrambling for money to pay past due bills, doing damage control by putting out "drama" fires - and enduring constant negativity - I was also extremely depressed because of all I was going through. So the thought of putting out a Digest that had to be full of positive and upbeat messages and comments was impossible. Sure I could have faked it because they were only words in an e-mail and not my actual voice, so "passing off" happiness could have been done - but the members of the Digest did not deserve that. They did not deserve false happiness, fake messages - and a half - ass Moderator. Many Digest members told me that the one thing they always loved about me the most as their Moderator was my steadfast love for the Digest and my positive messages that would encourage, inspire, exude happiness ­ and bring people together. So the thought of pretending to be the Moderator I was during my year of Hell would have been the equivalent of promising someone a filet mignon and giving them Spam. So for the sake of the Digest and the members that I love so much - I made the extremely difficult decision to walk away and leave the Digest in the hands of people that could do what I could not at that time.

While I am sure people missed me and were sad that I left, no one could imagine how hard it was for me to silence the hundreds of voices that I would hear in the form of a Digest every day. While it was the right decision for the Digest, it furthered my depression and made me feel even more alone. Truth be told, it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.

Now that the "rain is gone," I was ready to return to the Digest wholeheartedly ­ but was terrified of the "welcome" I would receive. After all, I was the one who walked away for close to a year from something I did every day for over three years - and how can I expect people to just take me back now that my "problems" are over. But, just as I did when I took over the Digest in September of 1999, I wrote in my first post - and could not believe the response.

While I am not expecting to come back as a Moderator, because I do not deserve that ­ I was welcomed back as if I never left. e-mail after e-mail would come in to my e-mail box from old friends and new ones welcoming me back and saying how much they missed me. Words cannot describe the feeling of being welcomed back into a circle that I pushed myself out of - leaving many friends and family members behind.

If I could say anything to the members of the Digest, I would say thank you - but those two simple words could not justify or quantify the feelings of love, praise and appreciation I have for their warm and heartfelt welcome back to the most amazing part of my life. Between thousands of daily Digests, conventions, mini - cons, trips to see Digest members, gifts, cards and letters - and enormous support following September 11^th - both the Digest and its members have filled more space in my life then most of the relationships and jobs I have had. In just three years, I have made more friends, been more places and experienced more camaraderie through the Digest then I could have just by being a guy from Brooklyn. And to now be right back in the mix of the Digest I love ­ having both old veterans and new members - is just what I need to begin my long and arduous climb back to the person I was. And I know that thanks to all of these lovely people, that climb is going to be a lot easier.

I love you all - thank you so much.