Last night was one of those nights where I actually had nothing to do. One of those nights where the Digest was done, my column was written - and my love was unfortunately far from my grasp - so I had nothing to do but spend time with myself and my thoughts.

When my mind is unoccupied - it often wanders. And when it wanders - I think about my life and what I have lived through over the last twenty-nine and three-quarter years. Sometimes, I am reminded of happy times in my life - and sometimes - I recall the times that were the hardest to live through - and that's when remembering really hurts the most.

There I was, sitting at my desk listening to MP3s when Jeanie called me. The daughter of the legendary Duke "The Pitbull" Snyder and a true cherub in her own right, Jeanie is a pleasure to talk to - and a dear friend that I love. As our conversation progressed, we started talking about old times - and when old times are talked about - so is Bradd.

I met Jeanie on the same day that Bradd did - and since that day - we have both been Bradd's friends. So whenever we talked - we would always wind up talking about Bradd.

As soon as his name came up in last night's conversation - both of our moods changed. Where we were once happy - we immediately became somber. Our happy and carefree attitudes suddenly became sad and heartbroken - and our fulfilled lived were suddenly empty.

This year is two hundred and forty one days old - and Bradd was only with me for the first four of them. And no matter how much I miss him, what I would do for one more day to spend with him - or how sad I am that he is gone - the time we have spent in each other's company in this life is over - and I must now continue to travel down the road of life alone - leaving my brother behind.

Each and every day - I encounter something that reminds me of him. From a movie we watched together, to a place we went together - to a night where I talk to an old friend and share a story that includes him - Bradd is always in my thoughts - and despite the fact that it has been seven months since God took him from me and everyone else that loved him - I still can not believe that I will never see him again.

The death of Bradd Beck is beyond the shadow of a doubt the hardest death I have ever had to deal with - and the hardest for me to get over. The deaths of family members I experienced, I experienced in my youth - but Bradd's death was the only death I experienced as an adult - and the hardest one to get over.

Even now, as the year of his passing enters it's last quarter, I still cry because I miss him so much. The thought of having to live the rest of my life and not being able to include him is such a terrible feeling - that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. How can I do a wrestling show without the person I started in the business with? How can I throw a party without inviting him? How can I enter my thirties without a friend I have had since my teens? And most importantly - how can I live the rest of my life without the brother I always wanted?

I may have met him when I was sixteen - but Bradd felt like the brother I had all my life. We hung out like brothers, we looked out for each other like brothers - and sometimes - we even fought like brothers - but just like brothers - all was always forgiven - and always forgotten.

And now after I endured having to spend the last two hundred and forty one days of my life without Bradd - I must go on for the rest of my life without him - never being able to call him on the phone, stand next to him in front of a camera - or give him a high five. No matter where my life takes me - it will take me there without Bradd.

If I had just one wish, I would wish for one more day with Bradd. Just one more day to spend in his company - because I always thought I would see him again.